


the price we pay for love

by CeruleanTactician



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode Tag, F/F, Fake Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Male-Female Friendship, Missing Scene, POV Female Character, POV Second Person, Spoilers, but they don't know it!, lunar interlude v: reunion tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-02 01:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10205534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeruleanTactician/pseuds/CeruleanTactician
Summary: Carey grieves. Killian tries to help.





	

You and Noelle bring Carey back to your room. You set her on the bed while Noelle goes and makes some tea. Carey sits on the bed, her face still frozen in that same shattered expression that befell it when you all heard the news. Magnus- you have an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach, a sort of dread for something that’s already happened.

You and Carey share a room in the Regulator wing of the Bureau. It’s not too luxurious or anything, but seniority does have certain perks. You sit on the edge of you and Carey’s bed, while Carey is nestled up in the pillows. You don’t say anything, not yet. You can’t think of any words that’ll help her. You can’t think of anything that’ll help her. You haven’t felt this low since that terrible day at Lucas’ lab, Boyland dead, separated from Carey and the others. You can’t imagine how Carey’s feeling. 

You know how important Magnus had become to her. Over the months as the boys trained for whatever hell the Director sent them to, Magnus would appear almost every day at the end of the Regulator training session for Carey’s special rogue training session. She’d talked to you about how important it was to her to have somebody who really appreciated her training and expertise. Especially after her parent’s rejection of her career path. She talked about how much she had grown to love the guy. You get it. Magnus is- was a real great guy, a great friend, but you know that the bond that had formed between Magnus and Carey was special.

And now, he was gone. You think about the first time you saw him, more than a year ago in Wave Echo Cave, you, alone, on the hunt for Magic Brian. You thought that the boys were just some dumb mercs who were just gonna get in your way. And they were, and they did. But- they were also strong and capable and hardworking. And every single one of them has beaten the thrall of a Grand Relic. They’re all heroes, and you’re proud to call them your friends. But you’re not surprised that Magnus was the one to lay down his life for the cause. You wish you could be, but you’re not. It’s just the kind of guy he was.

You close your eyes and take a long, uneven breath. Your heart feels heavy, and your mind dark. You shake your head. You just can’t imagine how Carey is feeling. Noelle gets back with the tea. She silently sets a cup in your hand and a cup on the nightstand by Carey, moving a small carved duck out of the way. She moves to leave your room, back to her own bedroom across the hall. Not that Noelle needs to sleep, but she says that she likes the comfort of just having a place to recharge at the end of the day.

You wonder how Noelle is feeling. It’s times like this that make you remember the sheer viscerality of emotions- love, anger and, of course, grief. You pity her and feel jealous at the same time- she can’t feel that way anymore. Can’t feel this awful weight. Can’t cry. You then feel guilty for even thinking those thoughts. Even if she can’t feel it physically, she can still feel it emotionally, and you know that’s the part that matters. Magnus was important to everybody.

“Killian, is there anything else you two need?” she asks softly.

“No. Thanks, Noelle. We just need…” you trail off. You don’t know. She nods and closes the door behind her.

You take a sip of the tea as she leaves and recognize it. You were acting as a taste tester for her last week, helping Noelle recreate an old Redcheek family brew. You’re pretty sure she got it right this time. You set the cup on the table, next to Carey’s untouched cup.

Carey’s curled up into herself, sobbing softly. You want to comfort her, but you hesitate, and you’re so frustrated at yourself for hesitating. For a moment, the grief is lessened by the anger you feel at yourself. You need to help Carey! Why aren’t you doing anything? You push past it all- the frustration, the hesitation, the fear of hurting her further with your action or inaction. 

You love her, and she needs you now. That’s all there is to it. You carefully put your arms around her. She shifts into your arms, sobbing even louder now. You stroke her head, feeling the familiar sensation of your warm blooded skin on her cool blue scales. 

“I’m here, honey.” you say. You and Carey are like this for a few minutes, quiet. Slowly, her sobs begin to slow.

“I warned him.” she says quietly. “I told him he had to be careful. That he had to let someone else take the blows sometimes.” 

Carey’s sobs quicken back up again, her voice sounding more and more unstable.

“It’s not your fault, Carey.” you say, but she doesn’t seem to hear you.

“But- but he wouldn’t listen, y’know. That- that’s just the kind of guy that Magnus was. He wasn’t ever going to let Merle or Taako or anyone else take the hit!” She puts her face in her hands and shivered.

“Oh god, Kil, did you hear them? They said that he burned. That- that he was ash!”

She tries to continue, but she can’t anymore. Her sobs become hysterical. She puts her hands over face.

“Breathe, Carey. Just breathe.” you say, holding her closer. You want to say more. You need to say more, to make her okay, to make this okay... but you can’t find the words. You hold her tighter.

You’re all going to be okay. You have to be. Even without Magnus’ strength- both emotional and physical, life will go on. There’s still one last relic to be found, after Magnus’ Rites of Remembrance. Merle and Taako will be able to do it. It’ll take time, sure. But life will go on. It always has for you. Things will be okay. They will. You just don’t know how to make Carey believe that.

(You don’t know how to make yourself believe that.)

So you lie there with the love of your life as she sobs over the death of the closest friend she’s ever had. And you try to make things better.


End file.
